January 2010
27 posts
Discount
Why bother spending literally dollars for a name-brand surgeon? Here at the Shiny Knife, surgery is only $.50 a pound. Wow!
Savings! At any cost!
Our surgeons, many of whom are noted by the government, will delight you with their inquisitive nature about “where this goes”.
We also accept cashiers checks or cans.
A Travel Writer has to cover up some things.
As I land in Uzbechistan, I first see the horizon, as broad and open as the interpretation of the country’s age of consent laws. It’s a beautiful sight to behold, in a completely normal way. I am then struck, as if by a police officers baton, by the beauty of the countryside. I see in the distance some bright flowers, swaying in the end as if they were asking to be picked, so what’s the big...
Questions To Which Violence is, In Fact, The...
What’s a good word to express brutal cruelty?
What’s seven-down in this crossword?
I’m writing some slam poetry degrading the monarchical assault of England in the seventeenth century. What would be a good off-rhyme for “Highness”? Keep in mind the theme of my piece.
Yeah? Well, what are you going to do about it?
Better Pledges
Hazing makes better pledges so stop bitching Frosh.
You are going to run naked, at 4 am, around the house twice. Then you will shotgun four beers. Than you will recycle those cans, making sure to pick up any garbage in the surrounding area. Save the earth. It’s the only one we’ve got.
You will then petition the chinese government to lift restrictions on free speech. Sound simple...
History
They say history is written by the winners, and studied for MBAs by the losers. Dorks.
A Rational Conspiracy Theoriest
Is it JUST A COINCIDENCE that all our conspiracy theories are PROVEN WRONG? OR IS REALITY PULLING THE STRINGS?
The government DOESN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW that history is GENERALLY AS THE PUBLIC RECORD INDICATES.
Have you been blinded by James’ Cameron’s propoganda? ALIENS ARE NOT AMONG US! Look at the EVIDENCE! It’s hard to ignore that they are clearly MISSING.
Why else...
Too Soon
People sometimes say my jokes are too soon. I was doing Haiti jokes before they were cool. Or appropriate. Or before the earthquake in general.
Professions I Shouldn't Pursue #1: Lawyer
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury; especially all the fine ass ladies…
My client would like to plead not guilty, you’re honor. Then again, he also likes methodically butchering small children, so take his preferences with a grain of salt.
Objection! Witness is being a dick.
(Pointing to defendant) Does this look like the face of a serial killer? No. Granted, my client is being...
Rapper Names That Sound Like Funny Names For...
Fat Joe
50 Cent
Birdman
Messy Marv
Black Rob
Richie Rich
Lil Webbie
Ol’ Dirty Bastard
Bumpy Knuckles
Documentary
One month ago, noted fictional Snakes On McCain character Zach Barlia went out into Boston. All we found was this video.
Greetings.
Over the course of thirty days I, Zach Barlia, will only eat McDonalds food. This isn’t unusual. But I will also expose the horrors of everyday existence that you are to blind to see, from your mighty ivory towers, with flying chairs and talking cats and...
Irony
I find it ironic that only the homeless eat Fancy Feast.
Last Request
Actually, I do have a last request.
I request that after this execution, you godless heathens go back to your ‘court-room’ and ask yourself who the real ‘convicted murderer ’ is. Because it’s not me. It’s you all. Also, about that’ whole looking at yourself’ thing, do that before you execute me, and you stare really deeply into your own eyes, so...
Elvis' Obituary If Everything I Read About Him Was...
Elvis Presely, legendary musician and first CIA master-spy, died this morning at six thirty AM on his private space island. He was 75, not including the five years spent as an aristocrat in 1860’s Russia due to a time-traveling mishap.
It was during this stint in which he recorded “All Shook Up” with Biggie Smalls.
Elvis was well known for his musical innovations, his...
Defensive Jokes
.
Knock Knock!
Come in! I was going to open the door anyway. Calm down.
.
How many coeds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don’t even know what coeds your referring to, officer.
.
What do you get when you cross an Elephant and a Rhino?
Listen, honey, that zoo was held to the highest of standards. I swear.
.
A man walks into a bar-
Honey, it was just one beer. I stopped at...
Avatar II
There is going to be an avatar sequal. So, without having ever seen the movie, I thought I should do James Cameron the favor of writing its sequal.
We pan in on the title: James Cameron presents a James Cameron film: Avatar, by James Cameron.
Main Blue Guy: Well, female lead character, our world is saved.
Girl: Yes. Yes it is.
Guy: Good. Because we have to protect the precious, precious trees...
Advice
My grandfather would always mix his sage advice with Alzheimer’s. So I now know that a penny saved is a lobster.
False Advertising
A lot of the movies out now are giving the wrong impression. For example, that Hangovers are fun. But the worst is Inglorious Basterds. At the end of the movie, they kill Hitler as revenge for the Holocaust. Come on. We all know the Holocaust never happened.
…And another stand-up line I can never, ever perform.
My Audition For SNL
Suit: So, Mr.Novak-
Me: What’s the deal with airplane food?
Suit: Airplanes no longer serve food.
Me: Exactly! AmIright?
Suit: Er, you may begin your audition now.
Me: …That. That was my audition
Suit: Heh. Not bad.
Me: (Softly crying)
Suit: Heh heh. I like this kid.
Me: (Collapsing to the floor, sobbing, pausing with large shuddering breaths as I swat fruitlessly at the...
A Scene That Must be in Men In Black III
Lil Wayne is sitting in nervously in front of two Men in Black stone-faced agents. They press “Play”
Lil Wayne’s song “We are not the same, I am a martian” comes on. It repeats as We cut to Lil Wayne a little nervous, awkward, then to the two stone-faced agents not amused
Lil Wayne: Should I, uh, cut back on-
Agent: Yes.
Agent 2: That might be best.
(Perhaps they...
An Open Letter to Ray Charles
.
Useful Spanish To English Phrases, according to my...
Is this safe to eat?
Are you sure?
Don’t make it too spicy though even though I say I really like spicy food, I should watch my stomach, because it’s the only one I have.
This is too spicy.
Do you know any nice Jewish girls? Because all the girls I know are stupid aryan tramps.
How do I call my mother?
Does this phone work for english? I know not all phones work for english, and...
Tiger Woods has trouble with his Press Conference
Greetings.
First, let me apologize for engaging in extramarital, consensual mind-blowing sex with many attractive women. What is it now? 12? Oh, only 9? Well, it’s at least twelve. Phew. Twelve. That’s insane.
Anyway, I’m asking the media to stop this unfair coverage of myself, my family, and these women. There are a lot of terrible, hurful words going around. I believe US...
Non-Cliched Movie Endings
Adam Sandler’s character just chills the fuck out and becomes an accountant or something.
Everyone is turned into bears, and the bears start dancing, and the dancing goes faster and faster until all the bears explode except for one who says, in german accented english, “Bear Dancing is no joke” and lists a number to call.
Owen Wilson just cries and cries until everyone slowly...
Rejection Letters
Dear Mr.Novak,
We regret to inform you that the market for Snake centric political thrillers, especially those riddled with spelling errors and sexual implications are not what the McCain campaign is about.
Best,
Greg Norton.
******
Dear Mr.Novak
We are both unable and unwilling to force feed Fareed Zakaria olives until he cries. It seems you don’t understand the purpose of the...
Monolouge of a Mediocre Hype Man
Yeah yeah! Young Judas rocking the crowd!
Yo, shout outs to all my peeps. Boston baybe! Boston!
Where’s Brooklyn at! Where’s Brooklyn at? Seriously, I’m confused to the location of Brooklyn.
Well, no, that was a joke. Shout out to my comedically attuned audience!
Well, that was also sarcasm. So a shout out to you, dude in Pirates hat. Good catch.
Look, give it up for one of...
Most Relevant Carters, In Order
Shawn “Jay-Z” Carter
Dwayne “Lil Wayne” Carter
James “Jimmy” Carter
Fatherhood
I’m probably not going to be a very good father. But genetically speaking, they probably won’t be very good kids. It evens out.