January 2010
27 posts
James Bond
Boss: Mr.Bond, please take a seat.
Bond: It’s Bond. James Bond.
Boss: I know. Listen James, we really have to talk about your future as a secret agent.
Bond: What about?
Boss: For starters, very few secret agents tell everyone there actual name.
Bond: Go on.
Boss: And you keep doing really provacative things, like driving really expensive cars off roads, and seducing beautiful women...
December 2009
13 posts
Interview with myself
The reclusive, handsome Lev Novak has granted me a rare interview. As I enter his palace, I am struck by the sublime and subtle way the the light shimmers off his diamond flying tigers. It’s touches like that which have made him the most famous superhero comedian in the world.
Me: Thanks you for granting me this interview, Lev.
Lev: No problem.
Me: Let me start off with a somewhat...
Happy Hollidays
I always feel like people say “Happy Hollidays” they’re just playing charades like they forgot what Christmas is. “Happy Hollidays! You know, the Holliday with, uh, those holliday trees. And reindeer.
Happy December 25th Holliday everyone.
Funerals
I always cry at funerals, because my legal bills are already high enough.
Rejected Indiana Jones Movies
Indiana Jones and the temple of religious tolerance
Indiana Jones meets the Flinstones
Indiana Jones is Shia LeBuff for some reason
Indiana Jones, only he’s black now.
Indiana Jones slaps James Bond, that pretty boy prick.
Indiana Jones and the many, many crystal skulls of the Khmer Rouge massacre.
Indiana Jones and the Raiders’ dissapointing 5-11 season.
Indiana Bones (Either...
Rumors I want to start
Al Gore refuses to acknowledge the existance of owls.
Scientists have predicted that bears will be the electoral majority of New Hampshire by 2030.
Young Jeezy is the new spokesman for Heelies.
Lebron James only began playing basketball after kids made fun of his french-ass name.
If you join enough socially aware Facebook groups, you will make some sort of difference.
Lady Gaga is, in fact, a...
Prop Comedy
I never actually intended to be writing short comic pieces. I wanted to be a prop comic, until I learned my penis didn’t actually count as a prop.
Short Stories I started, but couldn't complete
“Quick!” yelled the magic robot princess. “Quick”! “It’s quickly,” barked Detective Woofles with a bark.
President Novak realized he could presidentially pardon himself. He then noticed the Fireworks-And-Unicorn Emporium across from the flying White-House. He flexed his diamond-fingers. Payback.
Scrooge McDuck, the rapper, not the duck, decided he needed...
The manager of the ill-fated branch which makes #3...
Alright, listen up guys. We’re dissapointed. Lord knows we’re all dissapointed. We all thought that the pencil market could handle diversity, more than one go-to number. We all saw what happened to Number 1 and Number 4 pencils. Well, we won’t go down like that.
The pencil war is a war I plan on winning.
So, we know that Standerdized tests have moved to Number #2 pencils....
MLIA they won't use
They said Abstanince was the best birth control. I heard Absinthe. MLIA
Today I referenced Harry Potter. We all like Harry Potter. But not Twilight. God, that’s lame. MLIA
On a test, I didn’t know the answer to a question a test, so I wrote/drew something quirky, as did my teacher, who gave me extra points. MLIA
I fucked a zebra. MLIA
Today, I tried to settle the Google/Yahoo...
An Emo guy's letter to vampires
Dear Vampires,
That girl changed you man.
Come on guys. You used to be cool. We’d wear all black together, and talk about how no one understood us. The tortured, intellectual soul shrouded in darkness.
Is that body-glitter now? Seriously? Are you fucking serious man? Sunlight was supposed to kill you, a curse that mirrors the darktime of your soul. Not turn you into a Lisa Frank drawing.
...
Groups currently more relevant than G-Unit
Crusty Jugglas: the hip-hop nautical circus act
Old Elderly Old Guyz: Mostly just salsa music.
Jew-Unit: Harvard Law School.
Homo-Genius: The second openly gay rap group.
D.J. Khaled just yelling for several hours over explosion sounds: Pretty clear.
T-Pain and Jeezy: which sounds impressive, until you realize their voices average out into a normal person just talking casually.
Segway...
Lev Novak's Political Comedy Time!
An open letter from Ahmadinejad
Dear Far-Right Republicans,
It seems we got off on the wrong foot. I said some things, you oppressed my country with your imperialist, Jew-run ways-whatever. That’s all in the past now.
I think we have a lot more in common than you thought. Did you know I hate gays, minorities and Europe too? And I love football! Of course, our football is played with our feet....