January 2009
9 posts
• Phrases I guess, in Retrospect, They Weren’t...
Phrases I guess, in retrospect, they weren’t going to say to me
“No you were right; that restraining order was more of a guideline anyway. Let’s make out.”
“You’re totally right sir. The freedom to your speech, even in the form of throwing rocks at me, is what makes this country great”
“In post-racial America, all racial slurs are truely obsolete. So you’re right, I should totally...
Animals
Animals that should be considered much more badass than they are
1: Unicorns. It’s a flying horse with a horn. That’s all kinds of cool on paper. Somehow, though, they became adorable rather than deadly. A travesty.
2: Koala Bears. Pretty cute, right? Wrong. They’re minature bears. A travel-sized bear for bear-based attacks. They could swarm in packs, devouring the ankles of unsuspecting...
Why we traded Manny Ramirez
*Kept asking Pedroia for his pot of gold.
*He made a mean joke about J.D. Drew, hurting his feelings and causing Drew to take a prolonged stint on the DL.
*Attacked Wally the Green Monster during a meth-fueled spree.
*Convinced Dice-K it was poor manners to go six innings.
*Refused to love, drink that dirty water.
*Burnt crosses on field, nessecitating the brutal headline “Manny being...
Rick Ross
“I got a letter from the Government the other day; I opened it, read it, it said we were hustlas”—Rick Ross, Southern Gangsta
Dear Richard Ross,
This is the Government. Hey. Normally, we’d leave this sort of thing up to the police, the FBI, or in a severe case, the CIA. But you have left us no choice but to get directly involved, a truely unprecedented move. But anything less would be an...
Snakes on McCain (Part 3)
Snakes on McCain (PART 3)
(Our heroes wake up in Putin’s vampire layer)
Putin: How good of you both to…join me! Bwahahaha!
McCain: How is that even a pun?
Putin: Shut up.
McCain: What do you even want?
Putin: We both already know.
Palin: Ok, I know how it works. (sighs) Drill baby, drill.
Putin: Er, no. You see John, my plan at...
The Tumblr reader ranking is terrifying
“3 people are following you”
Snakes on McCain (Part 2)
Snakes on McCain part 2
Please see the first installment if you havn’t already
When we last left our hero’s, McCain and Palin were off to see Putin about the rash of snake-attacks on McCain. They boarded a plane.
Palin: Gee John, you sure are on edge.
McCain: Well, there is the matter of the snakes.
Palin: Well, we’re safe on a plane, right?
McCain: Are—are you serious?
(An alarm goes...
Dr.Dre was a sexually confused youth
Look no further than his diss track to Eazy E. on his classic album, The Chronic.The song is called “Fuck Wit Dre Day (And Everybody’s Celebratin’) ”.
Every single line has homo-erotic undertones, some more than others. These are all direct qoutes. For obvious reasons, you may find that suprising. Let’s progress.
First the title:
“Fuck Wit Dre Day (And...
Baby Geniuses
The critically acclaimed and wildly successful hit movie Baby Geniuses pioneered a winning formula. It goes as follows.
What if babies who shat themselves were geniuses!?
Take a deep breathe. This synopsis turned your world upside-down. You’ll need a second to recover.
Better?
Let’s continue.
They played off baby’s inability to talk or control bodily movements and juxtaposed it with...