February 2012
4 posts
Being Normal
So, I’ve got a frat party to go to in a bit.
It’s a cool frat party, one with tickets and long lines of freshman. It’s got jocks inside and that’s cool. These jocks are my friends.
It occurs to me offhand how weird it is as a comedy guy to feel normal. Comedy guys, as a general rule of thumb, live a weird sort of oppressed life, one self-consciously counter-culture. They...
I Understand Kanye West
I love Kanye West. I do. He’s truth, unfettered, and I identify so strongly with him, and listening to his second (and thus very early) mixtape, Freshman Adjustment 2 I found a line that really summed up Kanye to me.
In the middle of a song full of bravado, he remembers: “Be all the girls that wouldn’t give me no ass… but I bet if I meet her now I could fuck her fast. I...
Ugh
The same internet commenters who are proud of saying there’s no God are the same College students who are still excited they can drink.
AV Club
“Oh yeah Community and Parks and Rec, the AV Club will love you forever“-The Office and 30 Rock
January 2012
5 posts
“If you’re in a relationship when you leave high school, let her go, man....”
– Excerpt from a speech I gave to Onteora High School’s graduating class of 2010
I’m speaking at Eureka College next month and for shits and giggles, I re-read this. It makes me really excited to have been so bold with a crowd of high schoolers. Because I was right.
(via joshruben)
Wow, this is...
The Problem With Time Travel
collegehumor:
I: Italy, 1474 AD
Me: Wow, Leonardo Da Vinci!
Leonardo Da Vinci: Yes, it is I.
Me: You rule! I come from the future, and in my time, you are known as a majestic artist!
Leonardo Da Vinci: Amazing! Tell me, what’s my greatest accomplishment?
Me: …
Leonardo Da Vinci: Are you serious, kid?
Me: The…statue. The naked one.
Leonardo Da Vinci: Yeah, that narrows it down. Prick.
...
“Slut” is how we vilify a woman for exercising her right to say “yes”....”
– (via thechocolatebrigade)
I’ll say that the demonization of the friend zone is probably the most evil stupid thing guys have done in general
Matt Powers Won't Leave Your Driveway: Forgetadent →
mattpowers:
I feel really badly for James Garnfeld because he was one of four US presidents assassinated in this country and still no one knows who he is. We’ve had a bunch of presidents—I get it that even though becoming president is incredibly rare and impressive, no one’s gonna memorize all 44 of em. But…
December 2011
10 posts
Novel
Hey dudes, I just finished (mostly) a second draft of my novel. It’s pretty good and short (for a full novel). If anyone wants to read it over, that’d be great.
It’s a comic novel (but not a comedy) about a high-school senior, David Benson, someone “Unpopular merely in the sense that he wasn’t popular” and his chance meeting with the enigmatic Michael Young,...
Rob Delaney: My least favorite people (at this... →
robdelaney:
My least favorite people (at this second) are people who feel Obama “let them down” or “didn’t deliver on his promise.” Guys, “HOPE” was a one syllable slogan, a logo even, to get a corporate backed, big D Democrat elected in a cash contest. People like you are THE SAME THING as the “undecided”…
Rap Industry Fan Fiction: Gudda Gudda is denied... →
rapindustryfanfiction:
“Name please?”
“Gudda Gudda,” Gudda Gudda said nervously as he faced the bouncer. “I should be on the list.”
It was a really fancy club. Everybody inside was dressed up in suits and stuff. He peered in the window and saw all of his friends having fun. Even Lil’ Chuckee, and he was underage.
1 tag
A short play about why Rand-ianism is stupid
Rich guy: If only everything was like Ayn Rand!
Rich guy 2: Exactly! I’m tired of the poor draining our society of my parents money.
Rich guy: That’s true.
(Poor guy enters)
Poor guy: Hey, I want some stuff.
Rich guy: Then succeed in a fair and impartial system.
Poor guy: That’s cool, but I need basic social standards to allow me a fair shot.
Rich guy 2: Then you should...
Rap Industry Fan Fiction: DMX eats a pigeon. →
This is everything I’ve ever loved: rap and eating pigeons. I ate a pigeon once. Because I hate pigeons
rapindustryfanfiction:
The pigeon was a scrawny one, slightly underweight, maybe even sickly looking. DMX didn’t care. It’d had been a hard winter, one of unhappiness and regret and hunger. DMX had been venturing out of the sewers less and less. Partially because of the cold, but...
Capitalism
Okay, Capitalism is good, but its good in the same way Google is good. It’s good because it’s better than the alternatives.
But since when did we worship Capitalism/Google beyond questioning? Would we let Google stay the same just because Bing sucks? Maybe we would. Bing really sucks. But it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be allowed to look for altering it, like somehow...
Happy To Be Here
Read this.
conorjamesmckeon:
“When you ain’t got nothin’, you got nothin’ to lose”
Bob Dylan, Like A Rolling Stone
On October 11th, 2011, at 11:06 pm EST, I had an anxiety attack. Then, a few minutes later, I had an epiphany.
Several days later I quit the job I’d spent the previous 2 years of my life pursuing; a full-time comedy writing gig with full health benefits during the...
November 2011
1 post
Camp: Camp's Final Message →
This is exact
childishgambinolyrics:
…from the end of Camp, a message from Donald Glover.
This is on a bus back from camp. I’m thirteen and so are you. Before I left for camp I imagined it would be me and three or four other dudes I hadn’t met yet, running around all summer, getting into trouble. It turned out it would be me and…
October 2011
3 posts
I love America (TLDNR)
I found myself rooting for Tim Tebow today passively, and was thrilled that he pulled off an amazing comeback (after playing terribly). My housemate asked me why I was so enthusiastic.
“He’s a huge Christian” I said. “It’s nice.”
Nice, said the Jew who went to all Jewish schools until college. “Nice”. I am patronizing Tim Tebow and America with my...
To all of you dinguses who think "The Simpsons"...
alexwatt:
“Everything’s coming up Milhouse” is from the 19th episode of season 10.
Eat my shorts, “comedy nerds.”
Thank you! The Simpson’s went from perfect to “often good, sometimes bad, occasionally awesome” which is better than most shows.
9 tags
September 2011
6 posts
Red Sox
Holy shit, that was amazing and legendary, and I’m glad I saw it happen live.
I’ll never forget the Orioles celebrating like they won a thing worth winning. I’ll never forget the Yankees coincidentally “dropping the soap” at the end. Nor will I forget crawford missing that catch.
God, I love baseball.
From my Facebook Targeted Ads
Finally, an RPG that you can play SOLO! Get better items and skills from QUESTS, not from invites! Oh man, this is so sad on so many levels.
I like my women like I like my coffee
In the sense that seeing them in the morning when I wake up prepares me happily for the rest of the day and our relationship gives me the strength to take each day to its fullest.
Also: hot and cheap.
Preach.
“For my entire life I have been a writer who does not write, a writer who looks angrily at other writers, even writers the editor of this column knows well, and said, “That’s Me! That’s Me except that I’m better! That’s me writing that book and receiving that award!”
Ellen Ferguson is on point. True story? I started writing for College Humor out of spite, bitterness and jealousy that...
Man, The AV Club is good sometimes.
http://www.avclub.com/articles/h8r,61668/?utm_medium=RSS&utm_campaign=feeds&utm_source=avclub_rss_daily
Article
WASHINGTON (AP) — Hillary Rodham Clinton isn’t president, but Dick Cheney says that if she were in the White House rather than Barack Obama, then things might be different today.
Cheney writes the worst fan-fic, guys.
August 2011
9 posts
A Case Of Mistaken Identity
The following is a text conversation I had this morning.
Me: Oh hey
Him: whos this??
Him: hello?
Him: who the hell is this?
Me: I'm sorry, I took a friend's number down wrong.
Him: ok
Him: u a guy or girl?
Me: You first
Him: im a guy
Me: Great, me too. It's pretty good, isn't it? Plenty of advantages.
Him: ummm...sure
Me: Also, do you always freak out when you get a text from a number you don't recognize, or was it just my saucy tone that put you on the defensive?
Him: well when they dont answer me when i ask who it is then i get kinda mad...and saucey???
Me: Did you ever stop to think that maybe I wasn't answering you because I was seriously injured or even dead? I'm not, but I could have been.
Him: ummm...im sorry?...and r u gay?
Me: You first.
Him: no...im straight
Me: Me too! That's a relief. Did you know they can get you through the phone now?
Him: wut?
Me: Yeah. You're just having a conversation and then all of a sudden, you're at Papa Bear's doing Jello shots off the chest of a guy with a nipple ring.
Him: lol
Me: It's nothing to laugh about. It's happened to me.
Him: o wow
Me: How about you, any gay experiences or abductions?
Him: no...id probibly kick the guys ass
Me: That's how it's done! And then when he's all beat up whimpering on the ground, you give him a kiss on the lips to assert your dominance. Did you know that's what gorillas do?
Him: wut the fuck...ur a queer
Me: That's just how it works in the animal kingdom, bro, and that's God's kingdom.
Me: Luke 12:21.
Him: fag
Me: Whoa, dude, whoa. I'm on your side here. Come on, man, it's me!
Him: wut?...i dont even know u
Me: That fucking hurts.
Him: ur saying lil gay things
Me: If I were gay you'd be dead by now, or worse, so I'll thank you to curb it with the lip. Let's talk about something else, like how we feel about other men.
6 tags
“I wrote this!
Work is from 10:30 to noon on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.”
– Read more from “If Work Was Like College”
(via collegehumor)
TLDNR
I’m a douchebag. I’ve got an ego problem.
I’m not proud of it. That’s an issue with having an ego problem: it justifies itself pretty easily if you let it. You get people proud of it. They shouldn’t be. You can very easily sound like one of those girls who says “sorry for partying”. It’s an ego problem because it’s a problem: I irk people and...
Ex Girlfriend or Private Highschool?
Wasted four years of my life.
While supposedly an elite institution, accepted nearly 70% of all applicants.
Left me thousands and thousands of dollars in debt.
Sucked less than I thought.
*
(I am on very good terms with both hypothetical exes and my private highschool was almost awesome. I just like this premise)
Novel
Hey dudes, I finished writing a first draft of a novel. I need some readers.
Any takers?
Vintage A-Rod
alexwatt:
“In June 2000, Gregg Greene, then Director of Promotions for the Seattle Mariners, was the first to play the Baha Men’s version of ‘Who Let the Dogs Out’ at a Major League Baseball game. He debuted the tune as a joke for the team’s backup catcher, Joe Oliver. Two days later, shortstop Alex Rodriguez requested the ditty for his batter introduction music and the song quickly became the...
New College Humor
http://bit.ly/pM5NQj
Just a small one, but I like it. It’s tldnr but good.
July 2011
6 posts
Earlier Drafts of "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" →
collegehumor:
“…you specified that these four teenagers live in a sewer, heavily armed. Why? And where are the parents?”
I wrote this!
Watchdonthypemyswag:
Pusha T and Tyler, the Creator have just released a new video for Pusha’s single, “Trouble on My Mind”. Cool vid that sees both performers swap lifestyles as Pusha skateboard’s and Tyler sells some crack. This Jason Goldwatch-directed clip is off of Fear Of God: Let Us Pray, due on August 23 on G.O.O.D. Music / Decon / Re-Up Gang.
-PM
Watch this, follow him.
New Rule
Anyone who says anything distinctly cruel and douchbaggy about a Rebecca Black or whatever has to put-up a sample of what they were thinking or doing at age thirteen. I bet it was heavily sexually charged and relatively innacurate. How’d that be for a youtube video?
But I get it. Of course you don’t like Friday. It’s not a very good song. I tried to rap at that age. Of...
June 2011
13 posts
New Dorkly Up
http://www.dorkly.com/article/18240/the-dorklyst-the-7-most-flawed-relationships-in-videogame-history/page:2
Finished Draft
Does anyone want to read the closest thing to the roughest-but-coherent draft of a novel I’m working on?
1 tag
In Defense of Bros
I’m just want to point out to the intellectual community at large (all of whom read my Tumblr) that bros in general can be a bunch of awesome unpretentious people who rock hard and that by and large, accept my nerd friends and offer them drinks before my nerd friends would offer them weed and some help with their homework. And the same way people throw around the vague “Hipster”...
Rap
I realized today that I’m at the precise level of “being good at freestyle rapping” that it’s awesome when I do it organically and just ever so annoying when I introduce it.
Now I know how good jugglers feel.
Rap Quotes to Live By
I mean this in earnest. Here’s a preview of my upcoming collection, a book that will be sold at Urban Outfitters. (Less Earnest)
*****
“I tried being humble, humble gets no respect”-Clipse
“Fuck that class and hit that bong”-Tyler the Creator
“You love me baby? Loving me is not enough-find out when you’re fucking broke-love won’t get you on a...
Odd Future
Listen: I love Odd Future enough that if I met some girl and her boyfriend liked Odd Future as much as I do I would be worried about it,even though I love Odd Future simply because I love them enough that I am actively aware that is too much and they are too disturbing.
These guys are so good it makes me forgive the obnoxious people who won’t shut up about how good these guys are.
Just...