Snakes on McCain

Good People and Douchebaggery.

There is nothing more surreal for me than having beautiful girls mad at me for things that are completely my fault.

It’s weird for me. I was never cool growing up but I was fascinated with it. I went to small private schools so it was never really a bullying force; the cool just bullied you by having what you didn’t it was passive but powerful.

I was funny and just socially competent enough to be the outer-level comic friend for the cool kids, occasionally. This happened one year at camp, for example, and I cherished it more than either of us should be comfortable with.

I was also obsessed with girls, or rather, obsessed with my not getting them. This was, once again, more than most, and that’s even by teenage standards.

So I got to college and from my private small schools I emerged with confidence and a running mouth. I was introduced to alcohol, and, as my brother is a moderately famous person, I was introduced to a lot of attention and a lot of girls.

This produced mixed results.

I had a great time, frankly. I made a lot of friends. I also made a lot of enemies; people who still eye me with disgust, people who talk shit on the internet, people who yelled stuff at me from cars or when drunk and far away, like all cowards do.

I used to think these guys were bullies. It bothered me a lot, but not very much; it was more of a fluttering anxiety and then it went away.

Now its gone. The bullying or at least my response to it; I grew up and calmed down some, and they forgot about me. They had lives, and I did too. But something occurred to me recently though. As I walked through my friends frat, pounding fists and drinking whiskey on a school night, bragging about a cute girl I had, come to think about, wronged, as in was bad to as a person, it occurred to me that these “haters” I had called them in rap terms to calm myself, maybe these guys weren’t bullies. Maybe they were just seething with a deserved disgust for a man oblivious to himself.

I guess that’s something I want to express somehow. That its so, so easy to be a bad guy if your given the opportunity. That being a douchebag is fun and you don’t really notice until you start feeling a little bit of shame; that hooking up with a girl and then her best friend isn’t actually awesome and revenge (why revenge? For what?) but is actually pretty uncool, dude. 

I don’t think being a “good” guy is good either. Because I was a “good” guy then in high school. But that, I now know, is because I wasn’t given the opportunity. 

So I guess being a good person is having the power to do wrong, having the temptation and instinct, and not doing it.

Having a beautiful girl be mad at you is surreal; its shame, sure. But it’s also power. It’s victory over the world. It’s the cool and it’s all I’ve ever wanted. But it’s a fucking bad addiction to be subservient too. And when the shame of being bad overpowers the thrill of it, maybe that’s when the good is born.

Being Normal

So, I’ve got a frat party to go to in a bit.

It’s a cool frat party, one with tickets and long lines of freshman. It’s got jocks inside and that’s cool. These jocks are my friends.

It occurs to me offhand how weird it is as a comedy guy to feel normal. Comedy guys, as a general rule of thumb, live a weird sort of oppressed life, one self-consciously counter-culture. They have weird twitter’s and follow Horse_Ebooks. I do too. But I feel like I pulled some odd con on normal guys, because I say words like “swag” and “bro” and I mean them. I drink shitty beers with douchebag bros who I like because they’re my friends. 

I think I filled some quota of the “cool kids” as a court jester and slowly, slowly, was brought in to regular company. I go to the gym and have contact lenses. I watch Parks and Rec and they watch Blue Mountain State. Whatever. We get along.

I dunno. Just a tipsy thought.

I Understand Kanye West

I love Kanye West. I do. He’s truth, unfettered, and I identify so strongly with him, and listening to his second (and thus very early) mixtape, Freshman Adjustment 2 I found a line that really summed up Kanye to me.

In the middle of a song full of bravado, he remembers: “Be all the girls that wouldn’t give me no ass… but I bet if I meet her now I could fuck her fast. I pass- I be on that new shit; I wouldn’t fuck none of the girls I went to school with…”

Here you have so much to analyze: you have the petulance, the swaggering self-declarative genius who at once insists he *wouldn’t* fuck the old girls from his high school, but at the same time brings them up clearly from some fiery lingering spite and hatred. It’s such a beautifully condensed daydream of fame; he’s saying “I’ll be some famous that all the girls I knew will want to fuck me- *not that I care of course*.” But of course he does care, does obsess, and in such a way that you instinctively know it isn’t true; if he *would* pass, he wouldn’t have to say it. But by saying it here it’s a fantasy, the most basic and relatable one around.

I dunno. Thought it was interesting.

Ugh

The same internet commenters who are proud of saying there’s no God are the same College students who are still excited they can drink.

AV Club

“Oh yeah Community and Parks and Rec, the AV Club will love you forever“-The Office and 30 Rock

The Problem With Time Travel

collegehumor:

I: Italy, 1474 AD

Me: Wow, Leonardo Da Vinci!

Leonardo Da Vinci: Yes, it is I.

Me: You rule! I come from the future, and in my time, you are known as a majestic artist!

Leonardo Da Vinci: Amazing! Tell me, what’s my greatest accomplishment?

Me: …

Leonardo Da Vinci: Are you serious, kid?

Me: The…statue. The naked one.

Leonardo Da Vinci: Yeah, that narrows it down. Prick.

Me: I liked you better as a ninja-turtle.

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I wrote this one

(Source: College Humor)